Free Online Dating and Relationship Guide

Singles now account for a record 40 percent of adults in the United States. And the number of "never-marrieds" has doubled in less than 30 years, making them one of the fastest-growing groups. Nearly 21 million Americans between the ages of 25 and 44 have never walked down the aisle. That adds up to more than a third of those in the 25-to-34 age group and 16 percent of those from 35 to 44. Only China and India have more single adults.
so singles can be found, the question is how.

By now we've learned that love is not a rational thing, not even a conscious thing. Love is a largely unconscious reaction, an awakening of the senior psycho-physiological (mind-body) system that runs virtually all aspects of our lives on a daily basis - the Life Satisfaction System. Love wells up powerfully from the subconscious when our life-satisfaction system encounters a person that it feels would answer its unique mix of emotional-physical-intellectual needs, someone it would enjoy living with. Someone that it desperately wants to be with (see this site "What Love Is" for details).

The fact that this is the senior or govening system means that the reaction will be strong and that it will involve all aspects of our being - our body, our emotions and our mind.

However, the fact that this system does most of its work beneath the level of conscious awareness means that we can't see the code, as it were, to find out exactly what kind of person is likely to turn on this "love machine." So the answer to the question How Do I Find Love? isn't a simple matter of reading an inner page entitled "Characteristics of the Person I will Fall In Love With."

With experience, we come to learn that certain types attract us and other types don't. But regardless how much we have learned about the sort of person we are likely to fall in love with, there is only one sure-fire way for love to happen.

We have to meet that person.

And the only way to find and meet that special person is going to be ...... that's right, by meeting a lot of people.

. Television programs now feature segments on "speed dating", or "4-minute dating." Both are based on the notion that within a very short period of time, people know intuitively whether this is THE person - Mr. or Ms. RIGHT.

Based on our understanding of the mind-body system that actually constitutes the "love machine", we now understand why our reactions are so quick and so powerful. Why it really only takes a few minutes to discover whether this is the person for us or not.

So the answer to the question "How Do I Find Love?" does not involve astrology, tea cups, your neighbourhood psychic .... in fact it doesn't involve luck at all. It's a matter of meeting a lot of people till we run accross that special person that turns the lights on. Certainly, we can qualify the type of people we meet, narrow down the field to those most likely to interest us. But no matter what the size of the field, that field of potential partners still has to be met. We have to meet people.

HOW TO MEET
A LOT OF PEOPLE FAST

All things are possible, but most things are unlikely to happen unless we plan carefully and eliminate as many negatives as possible. If we want to really meet a lot of the right kind of people fast, we need to eliminate the two factors most likely to undermine our effort - time is one and and "emotional wear & tear" is the other. We're not going to meet a lot of people fast if each one involves a six-hour date. And we're not going to meet a lot of people period if we're emotionally abused and abandon the effort in a week. That's the reality.

For the preliminary "what's my initial gut reaction to this person" meeting, we don't need a six hour date. We do, however, need more that a six-second tape message - "Hi, I'm Ben, I'm five foot ten and enjoy food." Whether it is online or newspaper personals, chatrooms or dating agency video-taped messages, make a list of those you want to respond to, but introduce your own "Tell me more about yourself" segment before any physical meeting. If possible, obtain an email address and/or a telephone number. Ask questions, engage in dialogue before any physical meeting.

Safety is the first obvious reason for this extra segment in the process. One recent study reports that 30 percent of those using internet dating sites, for example, are married. In addition, while those with a natural talent for sustaining a deception are in the minority, this minority is very active on the net (http://www.saferdating.com/site.htm).

More importantly, since the prime purpose of this exercise is to find love and not just a date, we're trying to give our mostly subconscious love machine a chance to assess and deliver a verdict. In other words, we want this initial comunication process to serve as the initial meeting. So we need this process to be as "rich" in sensorry information as possible. Email messages are the leanest form of communication. If possible, we want a photo and some verbal conversation as well. Our system works with sensory input. The more the better.

We want to see them, we want to hear them, we want to undestand what makes them tick, we want to observe their reactions, and on the basis of all that input we want to elicit some sort of gut reaction inourselves. Are we attracted or aren't we?

If, in addition, we want to qualify people purely by profession and income, that's fine too. But to find love, our life satisfaction system has to encounter and assess and react.
So we've come up with a list of those we feel atracted to. We're still not ready for that initial get together.

Meeting a lot of people fast requires a way of qualifying people quickly. But we won't actually continue with this process for long if we have to suffer a lot emotional wear and tear... a lot of depressing rejection, because we've rushed out to meet every person wee think we fancy. A proven recipe for emotional disaster. We need to allow those who are not interestd in us to disqualify themselves quickly as well. That's life! And that is important.

The very last thing we want is a one-sided attraction. Even worse, a one-sided love affair. There is nothing more emotionally painfull than unrequited love.

Now that we know exactly what the love machine really is (the life-satisfaction system), we need to give it a chance to do its job for us. We want to know if the other person's love machine is turned on by us before we meet them in person. Less emotional wear and tear. But that requires a special kind of introductory message from us. A real one. No cons. No cutes, No fakery. Just the real us. A real photo. No air brushing, re-touching, extra-special lighting. A realistic photo. A down-to-earth this-is-the-real-me message. An honest email/telephone conversation.

We're giving ourselves an emotional break here, not seting ourselves up for disappointment by posing as one thing and arriving as another.

The beauty of this approach is that we've exposed both love systems to the real qualities of the potential partner, and if both systems respond positively, there's a better than even chance that a date will work out even better!

In practical terms, if 5 days in the week are invested in the pre-date exposure process, and dates are reserved for the few that have received an initial positive reaction from both love systems, we have increased our chances exponentially of meeting Mr. or Ms RIGHT. And equally as important, we are working a process that is not emotionally destructive, that we can continue with indefinitley UNTIL we meet Mr. or Ms RIGHT.

AFTER THE DATING AGENCY
ITS THE BIG WIDE WORLD

It's vitally important that we have a sustainable approach because not all or even most elegible partners are actively posting messages in chatrooms, running ads in the personals or signed up with a video-dating agency - let alone our dating agency. They are out there, but how do we find them?

Now that we understand what is involved, where love comes from, we know that "finding" that special person is not just a matter of meeting them, it involves meeting and recognizing that special quality in them (evoking that unmistakable response in us). And by now we may have learned how to qualify the field somewhat ourselves. There are some types that definitely leave us cold - matter how much money they make!

When using a dating agency, we could pre-qualify our potential love interest before meeting by making use of an intermediate "rich communication" process. As much visual, auditory and intellectual interaction as possible befor actually meeting. That allowed both of our largely subconscious "love sustems" to assess the other person and reach some sort of initial gut decision of attraction or otherwise.

Operating outside the highly-structured dating agencies, we can still employ the same principles, because most of the places where we will meet potential partners will not be publically labelled "singles meetings/parties" but natural everyday encounters where the other person isn't even aware that we're looking for a love interest. So initial meetings can be as brief or as lengthy as we want them to be.

At this point, its best to divide the list into two groups, because the places best suited for meeting eligible guys aren't quite the same as for gals. In both cases, some of the entries have additional comments.

Where to meet the Gals

1. Church - Going to church is the absolute best place to meet available women. Women in church affiliated singles groups usually outnumber guys about 5 to 1. Spiritual touches on the emotional side and this also shows that you are in touch with those feelings. Also the people you meet in church just seem to be more sincere and nicer. Go to a local church and look if they have a singles program. These programs are usually listed in the bulletin that they hand out before the service.

2. Art Museum - Cultural events tend to drawl more women. Most museums offer guided tours or workshops. Try an event that you have interest in.

3. Volunteering - Groups like habitat for humanity and others not only would love to have you but usually have a higher concentration of female volunteers. Even if you do not meet anyone you can do something great and feel good about it.

4. Other Friends - Network. Let your friends know that you are in the market and do they know anyone that you think would be a good match. Get your friend to introduce the two of you. Go out to eat or all attend a movie.

5. Traveling - Travel groups are usually dominated by women. Single women generally do not travel alone and bring another single friend. Also travel agencies put together trips for singles. Check the age ranges for your trip. Do not take the agents word for it, ask to talk with someone they sent on a trip. Try to go with a group from your area. This will help to avoid long distance romances.

6. Dancing Classes or dancing socials - Clogging and square dancing usually have a higher female population. Most events are now structured so that you do not have to ask someone to dance it is done for you. Check your local Sunday papers as they should contain events like these. Events like these actually put you in a social setting that is conducive for dating.

7. Work - If you work for a large company you will have many opportunities to meet people from other departments. Check the company policy about their rules of dating. You have to be very careful to avoid sexual harassment. You must also be careful that if the relationship doesn't work that you will have to see this person again.

8. Personal Ads - These ads are full of people who are tired or just to busy to go through the normal motions. Online dating is a great way to meet people that are interested in dating. Some services offer free ads for women. I suggest that you place more then one ad. One that describes you to a tee and the other that is a complete opposite. If anyone responds to both ads rule them out. They are not anyone who is interested in you. Dating services and online personals offer different things for different people.

9. Aerobic classes - These are classes that the female to male ratio is very favorable. Find a class that you can do with out looking as stiff as an ironing board or totally uncoordinated.

10. The mall - Women love to shop. I do not suggest you hang out at Victoria Secrets waiting for a date. If they have a pet store or a food court that would be a more appropriate place. You might ask for help getting a gift for mom.

Where to meet the Guys

1. Golf course - Most guys love golf and the ratio of guy to gals is about 8 to 1. Golf is usual seen as something men have to give up in order to start dating. This combines the best of both worlds. All you have to do is go to a driving range and you will the number of guys there.
2. Home Depot - Home centers have many helpful contractors that work their to supplement their incomes. These guys are usually hard workers that are paid to help people. Home Depot also offers free courses that are dominated by guys. Find a project around your home that needs updating and you never know.

3. Fitness Center - Fitness centers usually have a high concentration of single men. Our poll showed a high number of relationships were started waiting for a stair master or the leg press. The only warning is that a good percentage of relationships started from the gym did not turn out to be long term relationships.

5. Personal Ads - These ads are full of people who are tired or just to busy to go through the normal motions. Online dating is a great way to meet people that are interested in dating. Some services offer free ads for women. I suggest that you place more then one ad. One that describes you to a tee and the other that is a complete opposite. If anyone responds to both ads rule them out. They are not anyone who is interested in you. Dating services and online personals offer different things for different people.

6. Sporting Events - Anything with sports will have a higher concentration of men. Events like baseball are slower paced and warmer weather are more conducive to meeting others. Just about any type of sporting event can be effective. Select a sport that you have an interest in so that you can share something in common with your potential date.

7. EMS - Volunteer at your local fire department. EMS (Emergency Medical Service) has exposure to both firemen and doctors. The ratio is usually very high male to female.

8. Sporting Activity - Sporting activity differs from a sporting event because you actually participate. This may require some athleticism. Events like volleyball, soccer and softball let you meet and play with others in a social environment. Events like Tennis are smaller groups and have their own social clubs for meeting other players.

9. Political campaign - Republican or democrat, for or against an issue, find something or someone you belief in then work on the campaign. You will be with other with the same value system and these events usually have a higher concentration of men.

10. Military and Military events - We are not suggesting that you join the military to get a date but the male to female ratio is about 9 to 1. If you live near a military base then look for activates that take place on the base.

The above lists allow us to take the targeted approach, to pre-qualify the candidates before actually meeting them. In other words, if through experience we've discovered qe like brainy men? Volunteer at the science museum. Brainy women? Try those educational courses. Rich men? Take a sailing class or a wine tasting class. Rich women? Upmarket stores in the shopping mall. Athletic men? Join a co-ed swim team. Athletic women? Aerobic classes.

And there's one last trick to this. The easiest way to meet "qualified" people is to plan on meeting "friends", people of similar interests and tastes, and let love happen when it does. For one thing, this puts you at your best, your most atractive. When the goal of getting out is not specifically to find a mate, but to have a good time, people enjoy themselves more. And people who enjoy life attract others.

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